Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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