i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
His hands were made for my vagina.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I did not marry a roomba.
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