My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
