i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
