She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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