i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
