It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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