someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
