Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
