STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
