when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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