I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
