Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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