Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
