so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
