she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
