When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
