1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
