Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
