I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
