I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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