There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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