No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
