You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
