Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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