So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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