Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
