She is in my trunk
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
