I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
