Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
