I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
