I met the friendliest cop last night
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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