Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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