I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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