my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
