I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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