My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
