so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
