On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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