I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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