Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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