She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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