my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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