just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
