you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
