What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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