so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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