so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
