I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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