my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
