I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
