I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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