ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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