The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
