can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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