The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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